er. been a while...
*yawns*
*lights up*
so my lip is not so swollen sense i peirced it...
not a smart idea...
the cocaine told me to do it...
nick and i are on-off
he says we cant be together
but its just because of the ticket
and his mother
but i did get my cell back
and i did talk to jona
he's so mad about the blow
but he says he still loves me
we cant be together either
damn riley
but its his fault not hers
and mine
and my neverending self deprevation
this is the end...
beautiful friend...
this is the end...
my only freind, the end....
i make myself sick to my own stomach.
"i am too clingy"
am i too clingy? or was the love gone.
sense summer, was the reply.
god is not here today, child.
666 behind my eyes
it drives me to tears.
the years gone by.
burning the candle at both ends.
i need no pity, the world will end.
its always too dull to hurt
...or leave a mark in my heart
i love him, i really do.
but men do not become boys
my guess it is the drugs
i cant say for sure
but all that i know is that my heart is empty
and always will be
he is everywhere
and i am nowhere
god is not here today, child.
he clings to life
and death smiled back
like a warm, freindly handshake
at the back of your neck.
i wish i could fix it
but hope has died
and he gave up on me.
i will never give up on him.
would you die for me?
i would die for you
but i would not live for you..."
after one year.
i hope we can fix it monday...
i really do love him
You were a friend of mine I let you spend the night.
You see, it was my fault. Of course it was mine.
I'm too hard at work.
Have you ever heard of anything so absurd ever in your life?
I'm sorry for wasting your time.
Who am I to say this situation isn't great?
When it's my job to make the most of it
Of course I didn't know that it would happen to me.
Not that easy.
Hey. What's that you say?
You're not blaming me for anything.
Well, that's great, but I don't break that easy.
Does it fade away?
So, that's why I'm ... I'm apologizing now
For telling you I thought that we could make it
I just don't get enough to believe that we've both changed.
See who am I to say this situation isn't great?
It is my time to make the most of it
Of course I didn't know that it would happen to me.
Not that easy, no.
No, no no.
If all along the fault is up for grabs,
Why can't she have it?
If it's for sale, what is your offer?
I will sell it for no less than what I bought it for.
Pay no more than absolutely zero.
Well, neither one of us deserves the blame,
Because opportunities moved us away.
It's not an easy thing to learn to play
A game that's made for two--that's you and me.
The rules remain a mystery.
See how it's easy?
So, who am I to say this situation isn't great?
When it's our time to make the most of it,
How could we ever know that this would happen to me?
Not that easy, no.
No ...
When all along the fault is up for grabs, and there you have it.
Well, it's for sale--go make your offer.
Will I sell it for no less than what I bought it for me?
Pay no more than absolutely zero? "
Alex, I love you. I'm sorry.
I feel like i'm the only one who can confuse me. i like to listen to moby. i've been listening to Porcelain since i was 6. i got it on a cd -pure moods. i used to listen to that stuff. i cant belive i can get preminitons of the past. this all doesnt make sense. It seems like everything in my life is a week ahead of my body. i cant take this. i feel like my childhood was my happiest time. shouldnt high school be happy? i have so many damn secrets. secrets that i've known for years. people think i'm crazy. nobody believes me.
i had the most insane dream.
you have to belive me on this.
i dont kid.
i was having bad vibes all night. i didnt go to sleep until 3 am. for the past week, well, still now for about a month, i wake up every night at 3:00. i remember it so clear from this night. i remember waking up at 2:55. i'm not shitting you. i slept backwards for five minutes. i thought i was going crazy. i went back to sleep. i dreampt i woke up. i was scared. sweat was dripping down my face. i started to say a prayer. "Our father, who arc in he..." i was pushed down into my bed. all i wanted to do was finish the word heaven. thats all. i could barely breathe. i screamed heaven in my mind. i screamed let me go. save me. (i'm not christian... this is weird.) then i was grabbed by the ankle, and pulled out of my bed. i was hung from my celing by one foot. i was trying to scream "Mom" (she sleeps about 3 feet down the hall) and all i could say is "ma.....mothe.....mo...." and then i screamed.
i woke up.
the sad part is this.
nobody believes me.
i woke up. it was 4:30.
i went into my closet.
all my ahnks (a type of cross symbolizing life) were bent. my celtic cross my brother got me in ireland was rusted.
the next day i was doing tarot cards. the first card i pulled was the hanged man.
it all made sense.
i seem to be the only one that confuses myself. i want to be happy now. my world is bent on its side. blood comes from my brain to my thougts.there's hate stuck inbetween my lid and my eye. it hurts. here's a sad story. i'm freinds with a korean exchange student. she wishes she had eyelids.
she is adorable.
why would anyone want an eyelid? you'd just get hate stuck in the back of your eye.
why does everyone at school think that they hurt inside?
i'd rather have their 'hurt' than mine.
kids like Leah bother me.
what does she have to complain about.
here's the cold hard facts, poeple.
none of you were raped when you were 11. by your best freind.
none of you were beaten when you were 6. and still are.
none of you were lied to your whole life.
none of you are torn apart by money.
none of you have ever been in 3 consecutive abusive relationships.
none of you have ever been the 3rd wheel as far as children go.
none of you have been anorexic.
and then again.
and still are.
none of you have been so torn apart by a boy.
that you waste your life on drugs.
none of you smoked when you were 12 just to forget your pain.
and still do.
none of you have ever had your brother put a nail to your throat. and have a hammer in the other hand.
never been almost choked to death by him either.
none of you have had a sister who cut your stomach open with a razorblade.
or have her try to kill you again. twice.
none of you have had your shoulder dislocated by her just to get you to shut up.
none of you have been watched by your dad while you sleep.
knowing that he has child porn on his computor.
none of you have had your sister atempt scuicide.
and blame the whole thing on you.
none of you have ever had your mother leave with no notice for 3 weeks.
a week before your birthday.
and be left alone for those 3 weeks.
and have been for the rest of your days.
how can any of you fakers say that you have pain.
you make me sick.
thats not even the BEGINNING of the list.
there is also, of course, the 3 consecutive years of cutting.
and the 4 where you have wanted to die.
so shut the FUCK up about your "pain"
you can dig that stupid razor blade into your arm.
but it wont mean anything.
i dont give a good god damn about what Fall Out Boy or Brand New told you to do.
go fuck yourself.
altho i am one for my word
yea but i have had this thing going on for about 4 years now...this promise....
and BTW to everyone i only check this thing when i'm at my dads which is every weekend and *possibly* during study hall sometimes but yea so if you tell me to call you should just call me and if you meed my # then e-mail me libqua@yahoo.com
so i'm out
(i have a tummy ache)
so patchy, i answer you this:
am i ever ok?
i'm a motherfucking wreck right now
and i dont think that i will ever be ok.
thus, the title was "fuck everything"
and i kept typing SxS
becuase it stands for SwornxScuicide
a promise i made to myself
why do i hate myself and noone else
i'm taunted with masks and metal objects
my answer is in my backpack
but my answer is a lie.
nowdays everything is lies
freinds.
family.
future mother and sister in laws
colleage
brothers
sisters
let me say that one again: sisters
thoughts
dreams
reality
right and wrong
all of these lies
sit on my skin
with little pins of pain
pain that i like
and hate to like
people say that they have pain
those fuckers have no idea.
lets say youre me
what do you have to live
besides your heart?
lucky for me
my heart cares more about me
than i do about myself.
whats your best bet?
SxS?
SxS?
SxS?
SxS?
SxS?
mode: knife hidden within
time:best kept within
opportunity:none
luck:running out.
the hair is short.
very.
the gauges are now up to 6's.
new glasses.
worse additude.
anger problems.
and therepy.
addictions.
secrets.
and of course, love that is strong for my...love.
8months and running.
<3 me
i am a retard.
and now:
poetry i wrote a looooong time ago
back when me and chris first started going out.
the cold winter air
threatens to kill me
every breath i exhale
it steals
and never returns
making breathing in the ice
hard to do
it chills me
from the inside out
the window
my hands are pressed against
is out to get me
it pulls the warmth
through my fingers
replacing the blood
with frozen hopes
the cold
frozen ray
is so powerful
it killed the sun
bringing out its god
the moon
offering human souls
as fuel
for it's dictating empire
controlling the world
and even break the strongest
warmest, kindest heart
down
pulling it under
never to beat
again
not one of my best, but whatever
i found it in an old notebook.
here's another;
dont take me seriously. come on, it seems that every single day this happens. i'm on the edge and i cant think strait. sometimes i think i'm the only one on the earth without a brain. hey, maybe that's whats wrong with me.i doubt it, you wouldnt be there if i wasnt flawed. that must be the way you like your girls.maybe the next time i kill myself, you wont be inside of me and your poison. maybe it will actually be me, the way i want to die. and yet you are the only person i ever know who's there. maybe i dont really hate you, but me.maybe i dont have a brain. maybe your'e my other half.or maybe i'll finally wake mine up the day that i die.so say you're goodbyes, this time when you kill me it will be the best time we ever had. suddenly death looks really good. come on, lets commit the best scuicide you'll ever see. then we'll be together forever,to live on and on.
Calming down....A bit of a mental overload today....(no subject)